if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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