apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
