we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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