dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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