everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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