My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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