I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
