Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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