Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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