So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We need to get me chipped asap
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
