look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
