Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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