I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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