I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
