I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
