did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
