It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
