I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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