So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
