dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Apparently you make a good broom.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
