I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
