there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
