just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
