i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Im part way to drunk.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
