The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize