The maid of honor just puked.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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