Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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