We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
