i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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