i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize