I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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