I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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