I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize