Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
