My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
