whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
