just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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