Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
