i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
