My entire life is one complicated drinking game
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
