The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
