I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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