I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
