There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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