How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
