I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
