Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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