After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my shit smells like andre
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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