oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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