gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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