I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
