I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize