You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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