i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
