and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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