Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
