I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
