with your own penis?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
