Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I did not marry a roomba.
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