so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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