So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
