My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize