I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
