My sheets look like a crime scene.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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