cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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