In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
