you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
