I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
