I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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