Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
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