My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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