I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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