made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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