so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
