im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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