Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
